


we don't say what we really mean

by stylesandtommo28



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: ?????, Angst, Interviews, M/M, Non AU, Post-Zayn One Direction, honestly idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-03-30 10:53:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stylesandtommo28/pseuds/stylesandtommo28
Summary: Harry does one interview to promo Two Ghosts, and somehow everything they've ever worked to hide is ruined.





	1. the interview

Harry sat in the backseat of the car, staring out the window and regretting his decision to do this interview in the first place. He knew why he did it, and they were important and valid reasons, but it didn't affect his regret. He had been through a thousand hours of media training while in the band, and with being solo even more hours had been added onto it, but today felt different. Maybe it was the circumstance, the fact that it was just the one song, but in the back of his mind he knew that somehow he was gonna fuck up today. He by no means regretted releasing the song. He'd been sitting on this song for 3 years, and he knew that this could be the only time he could release it, so it was never a question of if he was gonna release it or not. He was told to change the lyrics, that they were too obvious or could be mistaken for someone else. But, he knew that this song was for one person and one person only. The car hit a few speed bumps, jolting him out of his thoughts, and then Lou and Harry kind of pushed him out of the door with sort of hopeful grimaces on their faces. He waved back to them with a grin that didn't reach his eyes, and grabbed a water bottle out of the side of the door. He walked with his manager into the radio station, and distractedly checked in at security. They climbed the stairs in silence, while Harry felt the reproachful eyes of his manager, Jeff Azoff, on his back. He had told Lou and Harry not to come with him because he knew that this interview would somehow affect them in ways he didn't want. Funny how they were the ones he wanted to spare, and not the rest of the world. He had already texted his mum and Gemma to not listen or read anything about this interview until he could explain. They reached the top of the stairs and walked down the hallway until they reached the recording booth. He walked in and shook hands with everyone, trying not to brand them with the typical media personality that most people had in this industry, but he could see the excited gleam in their eyes. He sat down, talked with the interviewer for a minute, then put his headphones on. He gave one last look to Jeff, who raised his eyebrows and nodded, then turned to the interviewer, steeling himself for what was to come.  
"Welcome to 103.7 Play with Melissa and Jack in the mornings, everyone! Today we have with us Mr. Harry Styles!" "Hiiii..." "So today Harry is here to do his first interview for his new single, Two Ghosts!" "Yes, thank you for having me." The interviewer looked down at his list of questions while saying, "Our pleasure, Harry. Always our pleasure." Harry looked down at his hands, knowing that this was going to be miserable. "So right now, we're going to play the song, and then come back and ask Harry here a few questions! Sound good, Harry?" "Sounds great." Harry knew he sounded miserable, but he was honestly done pretending. "Well here it is!" The interviewer pressed a button, took off his headphones, and then turned to Harry. "So, I'm Jack by the way, um, I just wanted to take a quick break to run through the questions with you before we go ahead. I'm not a big fan of springing surprise questions on people in the middle of an interview, so this is most of it, but there might be a couple thrown in along the way. Sound good?" Harry looked at him in surprise. Normally, during breaks, interviewers just wanted selfies or industry secrets, but this guy seemed alright. Maybe this would go better than expected. "Yeah, sounds great! Thanks for doing that, by the way. Normally interviewers couldn't care less about my opinion." "Oh, well, I try." The interviewer turned away and looked down at the list. "Ready?" Harry steeled himself again. "I guess." "So, we have: When did you write the song, why did you write it, how did you write it, did you write it with someone else, where did you write it, and just a couple more extra ones. Sound okay?" Harry racked his brains. The 'who'd you write it about?' wasn't on there, so he was hopeful that wouldn't come up. "Sounds good!" "Ok, we're gonna head back on now, so get ready." Harry nodded and put his headphones back on, purposely avoiding the eyes of his manager once again. He knew he would be easily able to read his expression and he didn't want to have to face whatever he was thinking.  
"Welcome back, everyone! So right now we're going to do a quick interview with Harry here about this new song of his! Ready, Harry?" "Yup." "Alright! So, when did you write this song? Recently, I'm assuming?" "Um, no, actually. I wrote it back in 2014." "Hmm, interesting. So, Harry, why did you write it and choose to release it so much later than when you wrote it?" Harry glanced over at his manager, who had his head in his hands. He took a deep breath and turned back towards the microphone. "Well, it didn't really fit the band's sound, so, um, I just kept it to myself for awhile and then when I had the opportunity to release it on my own terms, I thought that would be best." "Oh, so did you show it to anyone else in the band?" Harry almost snapped his neck looking over at his manager. He just quickly shook his head and Harry turned back to the microphone. "Um, no, actually." "Ah, well, okay then. So Harry, did you write the song yourself or with someone else?" "Um, the lyrics are all me, but I took the melody and showed it to some people and they helped me to make it a consistent sounding song that fit the lyrics." "Do we know who these guys are?" "Oh, just some writers that I had worked with before. I wasn't planning on releasing the song, so we just kind of did it when we had a spare session." Harry couldn't stop twisting his rings around his fingers, a nervous habit he picked up when he started wearing them. This guy seemed nice, but maybe that was just off the air. He felt okay at the moment, but he knew if it got any more personal, he would snap. "Alright then, Harry. Where did you write the song?" "Uhhh..." He glanced panicked back at his manager, again, absolutely fucking no idea how to answer it. “I guess… on the tour bus? I mean, it took a while to write, but the idea started in the tour bus. I was about to sleep but then-” He was cut off by the interviewer tilting his head away from him, looking curiously over at his manager. Harry looked back and saw his manager near tears, frantically shaking his head. “Oh, sorry…” “Alright then.” The interviewer seemed to look him over for a second too long, then turned back to his sheet of questions. “So, Harry, we only have time for one more question, if that’s alright with you?” “Um, sounds great.” “Okay, so here’s a question that, since the day it was released, everyone has been wondering about. And I mean everyone. So, Harry, who’s the song about?”  
He froze. His hands stopped shaking, he stopped tapping his leg, his eyes opened wide. Everything around him seemed to stop.  
Blacklisted. The question was blacklisted. They weren’t allowed to ask him that! On every single sheet they sent out, the question was bold, underlined, and in italics to show that it was off limits. This could not be happening. He knew that this was already a shit-show, with the fact that it was live on radio and was also being recorded with a camera, but he couldn’t stop himself from the shocked look that crossed his face.  
“Harry? All you alright, man?” He blinked, and looked back at the interview, who, bless his heart, was so fucking confused. “Ummm…” He really didn’t know what to do. The last fucking thing he wanted to do was lie, because this song was the opposite of trying to hide what this was. He took a huge breath in, and looked at his manager one last time. Oh god, Jeff was ready for human sacrifice at this point honestly, he was ripping out his hair and looked borderline ready for the asylum. If the situation wasn’t so emotionally attached to him, he would have burst out laughing, but instead he just turned back around and kept his eyes on his mic. “Okayy,” he took in a shaky breath and almost chuckled a little bit, “so I guess most people already assume that it’s about one particular person? But it probably isn’t who they’re thinking about. I mean, I go on twitter sometimes, as you do, and a couple of people were right, so I probably wasn’t inconspicuous enough with the lyrics, but-” “Harry? Pardon my language but what the fuck are you talking about?” Harry looked up. The entire room was silent and staring at him with the most confusion in their eyes he had ever seen. “Um…” “Dude, you probably just talked about nothing for like two minutes, and we’re all super confused.” “I really don’t know how to answer this.” “Well, I think we all assumed it was about Taylor Swift?” Harry clenched his fists around his mic involuntarily. He fucking hated when people said that. “No, no, fuck no-” “Okay, Jesus, so we get that. Who is this song about?” Harry didn’t even have to look at Jeff to know that he was fuming. He could just feel the heat radiating off of him. “Okay, you know what, thank you all so much, you have been really lovely, but I’m gonna have to go now.” “Harry, wait-” He couldn’t even bother to listen. “Look, man, I really appreciate it, but no.” He got up out of the chair, grabbed the water bottle, and started off towards the door. He looked at Jeff, kind of chancing his life there, but what he saw shocked him. When he met Jeff’s eyes, there wasn’t anger there. There was just tired reluctance. Then he saw his lips move. He was mouthing the words, “Do it. You have to.” And then that was when Harry knew that this was maybe the only time that Jeff would let him do this, and if he didn’t do it now, then the both of them would maybe be stuck forever. So Harry took another deep breath (there’s been a lot of that recently), and motioned to the interviewer. He looked hella confused, but he turned towards him anyway. Harry really didn’t want to have to go back and sit down, so he just said, “Hand me the mic.” The interviewer just rolled over to him and gave him the mic. “Alright, so this is maybe the only time I’m ever gonna say this, but the song is not about Taylor Swift. None of the songs are about Taylor Swift. They never have been, and they never will be. All the songs that I have written have only ever been about one person.” He paused, trying to steady his breathing. “God, this is difficult. So from the time I started writing, my songs have always been about one person in my life.” He looked up at Jeff, and he gave him a tired nod. His voice broke on the word, “Louis.” Silence broke out. “Um, what?” Honestly, the interviewer, impossibly, looked even more confused. “Louis Tomlinson. The song is about Louis Tomlinson.” Harry let go of the mic and just booked it out of the radio station.


	2. doncaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis finds out about Harry's interview

Louis was sitting on his couch, surrounded by all of his siblings, with Ernest on his lap, watching cartoons when he heard Lottie gasp. He looked over at her, confused, seeing that she was on her phone. She looked over at him, her eyes meeting his, and he saw that her eyes were filling up with tears. 

“Lots? Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” 

He started to get up to go and comfort her, when she said, “No, Lou, there’s something you need to see.” 

“What’s wrong?” 

He followed her with worried eyes as she made her way towards him. “Lou, have you checked your phone today?”

“No…,” he said, confused, “I turned it off so it wouldn’t bother me. Why?” 

She came and sat next to him, leaning into his side but hiding the screen of her phone from him. “Ok, well this is really big, and I don’t really know what your reaction is gonna be, so I’m gonna gather up the kids and then I’ll come back, give you the phone, and then leave you alone if you need it. Okay?”

He just nodded, still confused, but now in addition really worried. He watched as Lottie shooed out Fizzy with the older set of twins and then grabbed Doris. She slowly walked out the door while whispering conspiratorially to Fizzy, Phoebe and Daisy. 

Louis just settled back into the couch, thinking, while stroking Ernie’s hair. He didn’t think anything was wrong with the lads, and Niall and Liam hadn’t contacted him in the last few days. He knew Zayn was fine because Liam hadn’t implied anything when they talked last. Harry hadn’t said anything to him recently, but that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Maybe it was a politics thing? He didn’t think so since that wasn’t something Lottie really kept up with. Dan was fine, he was just out at the grocery store, and he didn’t have to worry about Mum anymore. Maybe it was Mark? He honestly didn’t know what this could be. 

Just as he finished thinking, he heard the snick of the door opening again. He looked up and saw Lottie stick her head through the crack. “Are you okay, Lots? What’s going on?” He said in a low voice, not wanting to sound concerned in front of Ernie.

“Oh, Lou,” she sighed, “I don’t really know what to do.” 

He was starting to get just the littlest bit frustrated. “Lottie, I don’t know how I’m gonna help you unless you let me know what’s going on.” She started making her way over to him and Ernest, walking a bit shyly with her head down. “Okay, Louis, I really don’t know how you’re going to react to this. I’m just gonna give you the video, I think, and then leave. Do you want me to take Ernie?” He just shook his head and made grabby hands at her. “Just give me the phone.” She sighed again, put the phone in his free hand and then leant down and kissed his forehead. “Just know, Lou, we’re always here if you need anything, and this will all be okay, alright?” He just looked up at her with a bit of fear in his eyes and softly said, “Okay.” She then strode over to the door, opened it, looked back at him one more time, nodded, and left. She left the door softly close.  
He looked down at Ernest and said, “Well, little buddy, I don’t really know what’s going on, but you’re gonna be here with me, right?” Ernest looked back at him with his thumb in his mouth and nodded, eyebrows furrowed a bit with confusion. Louis laughed softly and then leant down to kiss his hairline. “Alright, I think it’s time to find out what that girl was on about.” He lifted the phone up to see what was on the screen, and almost dropped it in surprise. He was looking at an interview of Harry? Why would Lottie give him this to look at? Unless- nope, no way, never, not ever, that’s not gonna happen. 

He just took a deep breath and pressed play with his thumb.  


Harry started talking in soft voice, kind of like he was scared of the words about to come out of his mouth. He was also standing in a doorway, which was weird.  


“Alright, so this is maybe the only time I’m ever gonna say this, but the song is not about Taylor Swift. None of the songs are about Taylor Swift. They never have been, and they never will be. All the songs that I have written have only ever been about one person.” He paused for a couple seconds and took a shaky breath, one that Louis had always known meant he was on the verge of tears. “God, this is difficult. So from the time I started writing, my songs have always been about one person in my life.” Harry seemed to look up at someone, like he was asking for permission. Then, Louis heard the one thing he had been thinking about since their first meeting with strange old men who had a tendency to be too invested in the way he and Harry interacted with each other. Harry, in a broken whisper, said, “Louis.” There was silent. “Um, what?” From somewhere else in the room, he could tell it was the interviewer who said it. Though, the camera just stayed focus on Harry’s terrified face. “Louis Tomlinson. The song is about Louis Tomlinson.” Harry let go of the mic and turned around and started running.  


The screen faded to black, and Louis’ shaking hand dropped the phone, not caring where it would land.  


He felt his eyes start to tear up, and his breathing start to get ragged, and his chest starting moving up and down much to fast, and he knew he was dangerously close to accidentally gripping Ernie too tight, but he needed something to hold on to, because he was just so confused.  


How could this have happened? After 7 years, and they were somehow outed without him even knowing? He hadn’t even spoken to Harry in almost 2 years, and now all the secrets and lies and pain they had to go through was for nothing.  


He leaned down and rested his forehead on the top of Ernest’s oblivious head. Even though it was an awkward angle, and it hurt his neck, he needed something to ground him. He just took a couple of shuddering breaths and finally picked his head back up.  


He closed his eyes for a few seconds and then stood up, taking Ernie with him. He pushed the living room door out of his way to find Lottie, Fizzie, and the rest of the girls quietly talking in the kitchen. He walked over and set Ernie in his high chair next to Doris, and then looked back up to see Lottie looking at him questioningly. He just jerked his head in the direction of the door and she nodded in response. He walked around the kitchen counter and out the back door.  


As soon as the cold air hit his face, he crumpled to the ground. His back sliding down the brick of the back wall, the tears he had held in for so long, he finally let fall.  


“Holy shit. He finally did it. He fucking broke,” Louis whispered to himself. It was insane, the fact that every single issue he’d ever had with his career was centered around this one thing, and somehow just the utterance of his name out of the most goddamn beautiful person in the world’s mouth could make or break who he was.  


He just laughed, so hysterically it was concerning, because this wasn’t a possibility he had thought of since 2015, when they somehow were given the green light to interact.  


He had absolutely no words, just succumbing to the feeling that was slowly surrounding him, a feeling of his body slowly shutting down. His hands were shaking, his legs felt like rubber, he couldn’t breathe, and he was just full of this anger because Harry shouldn’t get to make him feel this way anymore. He lost his grip on who Louis was when they decided that the pain was too much for either of them to bear anymore, and the fact that even just his voice through a phone on video at a fucking radio station renders him absolutely speechless is just pitiful at this point.  


He sat with the crumbling brick digging into his thin sweatshirt for however long it took for his breathing to steady and his tears to dry. He then stood up, brushed his hands off on his pants, and took a deep breath. With one last shake of his head, he pushed open the door, and got ready to face the inevitable questions his sister had for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much again for reading. I'm so excited to keep writing this because it's an idea I've had for such a long time and seeing everyone's positive feedback is wonderful. Once again, any comments or anything are super helpful since I'm still really new to this, but you guys are so amazing. I hope you enjoy!


	3. harry's aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry realizes what just happened, and a special someone comes and helps him figure out what to do.

Well, fuck. 

That was the only thought that Harry really had after sprinting through an unfamiliar radio station into a parking lot and then proceeding to throw up until he didn’t know if it was tears or spit dripping from his face onto dead grass next to a dumpster. 

This was probably the worst he had ever felt, next to- actually, this was the worst he had ever felt.

Not only had he just had a mental breakdown next to a dumpster, but that mental breakdown was brought on by the fact that he had just exposed his fucking relationship with Louis after 7 fucking years of successfully hiding. 

He finally just burst into tears. 

It was actually remarkable that his tears hadn’t come earlier than this. He just let go, totally and completely, letting his body finally release every single tear that he had to wipe away, and just leaned back as the sobs wracked through him. 

In a some strange, twisted way, he was relieved somehow. After all these years, it was finally out there. 

Then he started to think about the other collateral damage he inevitably caused with this stupid interview, and the tears started all over again. 

Niall, Liam, and even fucking Zayn would find out somehow, and his entire family, and all of their fans, and his record will drop him and- 

shit. Shit shit fuck motherfucking shit holy Jesus Christ oh God. 

He was going to have see Louis again. 

There was no way to resolve this without having to see him again. This realization stopped Harry completely, and he froze. 

Somehow, he had just assumed that he could go on with the rest of his life carefully avoiding the only person in the world who owned the other half of his heart. How his brain had managed to avoid thinking about the possibility of having to see him again for so long was unknown to Harry, but now that he was thinking about it, he didn’t know how he could have avoided this for so long.

After an extended amount of time that he had no idea how long it lasted, Harry finally got up and walked around the side of the building. He looked around the parking lot, and saw a lone black Range Rover parked at the far side of the lot. 

For some reasons, he thought something about it seemed familiar, which was stupid because pretty much everyone who was anyone owned a black Range Rover, but it felt familiar anyway. 

He walked a little bit closer to it, trying his best to stay close to the shadow of the building so if any paps were near here, they wouldn't be able to get good shots of him, looking gross by himself in a parking lot. 

He squinted a bit, trying to make out the license plate, when-

Wait, what?

Was that Niall's car?

He took a couple of tentative steps forward again, and flinched when the driver's side door slowly opened. A brown boot that could only belong to one Irishman slowly stepped out, and what followed it was one of Harry's best friends in the entire world. 

Niall turned around and saw Harry, and just shook his head.

"Well, Harold, you really did fuck up this time, didn't ya?"

Harry had never been more relieved to be insulted by that familiar accent in his entire life. He just ran as fast as he could to reach Niall and wrap him up in a hug. 

Niall just let out a loud cackle and slapped him on the back like he always had. Harry just held onto him for as long as he possibly could while sniffling a little bit, until Niall gently pushed him away. 

"Let's take a bit of a ride, shall we?"

***

After sitting in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes, Niall finally spoke.

"So, Hazza, why would you ever fucking do that? It's been 7 years, and now's when you think that this is all too much? You haven't even seen Lou in, like, 3 years!"

Harry thought about it, and came up empty handed. 

"Honestly, Niall, I have no idea. It might have been the interviewer, maybe? He ran through the questions with me before hand and didn't include the one about who the song was written for, and then I was about to walk out, but Jeff just told me to do it, and oh God, Jeff doesn't know where I am, and I need to call my mum, and Gemma, and Liam and Zayn, and-"

"Woah, slow your roll mate, don't get so worked up. That's why I'm here. Jeff knew you needed some time, and he just told me to wait in the parking lot of the radio station because you would probably show up there sooner or later. You can call everyone later, it's all going to be fine. Liam and Z already know, they just told me to let you know that you can call anytime. I haven't spoken to your mum yet, but she texted me and she says if you need time then just wait until you're up to talking about it."

Harry was usually not very grateful that Niall was so connected with everyone in Harry's life, but right now, it just felt like a godsend.

"Thanks so much Nialler. I just don't know what to do."

"Well, Haz, the interview has already been released so, I have some news. I don't know if you're gonna like it though."

Harry's heart dropped. 

"What is it?"

Niall rubbed his hand at the back of his neck, looking very awkward.

"Um, I don't really know how to say this but, I talked to Lottie,"

Harry drew in a quick breath.

"And Louishasalreadyseentheinterview."

Niall said the last part so quickly that Harry didn't really catch it.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Niall sighed again, and just looked towards him with a very tired look on his face.

"I said, Louis has already seen the interview."

Harry's stomach dropped. 

Oh God, how could he have not seen this coming? Of course Louis was going to find out. Maybe in some weird way he had hoped that he would be the one to break the news, but now that Louis knew, he couldn't do anything to calm him.

"Look, Niall, I don't know how-"

"Nope, no way, Harry Styles, you're not going to avoid this. You two haven't talked in way too long, and now is when you are gonna fix this situation. I know you don't like it, but you have to talk to him."

"But, Niall-"

Niall laughed, but with little humor.

"Nah, Hazza, I've dealt with whatever weird bullshit you two have given all of us in the past couple of years, but I'm not gonna let you push this away anymore."

Niall tossed his phone into Harry's lap.

"Now, you're gonna call up Lou and figure out how you're gonna play this."

Harry looked up at him desperately, and Niall just gave him a small smile and shook his head sadly.

"I know it's hard, but you two know each other better than any of us, even Liam and Z, and this is going to happen somehow. I know it hurts, and it's difficult, but you love him too much to let him go through this alone. So just call him. Please?"

Harry sat in silence for a moment, and then

he nodded

and picked up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god. I'm so sorry for ending it like that, but I promise you that it's going to get better. I'm just happy that Niall made his way into this thing so early. Also, there is going to be some side Ziam if you didn't pick that up, but it's gonna be great. Once again, thank you guys SO much for reading, and any feedback whatsoever is really appreciated! Love you all!


End file.
